GOOD FAIRY RATS OUT FAMILY MEMBERS FOR CUTTING UP JACK’S BEANSTALK

AP – Fairytale Land – For Immediate Release

Fresh from witnessing the demise of the Wicked Witch of the East, Glenda the Good was faced with a family crisis that may tarnish the reputation of her entire family.

“I normally would have stuck around Munchkin Land to help the farm girl home. But I got an urgent call from my home town, requesting my help. Little did I know what kind of stew was simmering right under my own nose. Sometimes it takes a wake-up call like this to understand that the ones closest to us may need more of our attention,” Glenda told reporters.

At approximately 6:23 AM yesterday, the call came in that a young man in Fairytale Land had been robbed of his main means of living. Jack arrived for his early morning climb-commute to find his carefully nurtured and tended Beanstalk cut into foot-long pieces and stacked neatly where it had once grown so tall that the top disappeared in the friendly clouds of the Fairytale Land sky.

“I was shocked! How could this happen? Do you have any idea how long it would take to commit this crime? The noise it would have generated? Yet no one seems to have any idea who might have done the dastardly deed. It smells like a cover-up,” Jack told reporters after the police had announced they had no clues, no motive and no suspects.

The case took an interesting turn hours later, however, after Glenda had been called in to assist. “Give me a few minutes to go home and get a cup of coffee and I’ll be right over to the consultation,” she told Chief Wolfe.

At home, The Good Fairy found a series of clues that led to her shocking revelation.

  • Her teen sons, Merlin and Arthur, were sound asleep when they should have been in Algebra class.
  • Her mother, Hilda Broom, was busy canning the largest crop of green beans Glenda had ever seen.
  • None of the three would look her in the eye, even when the two boys propped theirs open.
  • When she went to get her car out of the garage, she noticed the axe was missing from the pegboard.

At the precinct, when Glenda read the report Jack had given police, it mentioned that he had had an altercation the day before with her son Merlin. There was also the ongoing feud between her mother and Jack’s, over the cow Jack had sold for the beans that resulted in the beanstalk. The women, best friends for decades, had bought the cow together many years previous. Jack’s mother insisted she had long ago paid Hilda back the money that had been lent to her for the purchase of the cow. Hilda insisted that it had not, and she was therefore entitled to a portion of whatever proceeds came from Jack’s adventures on the beanstalk.

Sad, but determined to learn the truth, Glenda gave police permission to search her home. There they uncovered evidence that the three relatives of Glenda the Good were responsible for the demise of Jack’s Beanstalk.
The trio however, insist they were saving Jack, his mother and the entire town.
Awakened in the night by a distant “Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum” they took matters into their own hands and chopped down the Beanstalk–ever so quietly so as not to wake their neighbors–to prevent a visit from the fabled Giant who lived in the land at the sky end of the stalk.
The investigation is ongoing. It is unclear yet what charges, if any, will be filed in the case.
“It’s a wake-up call,” Glenda said as she concluded her interview with the press. “I had no idea that my boys would take action this drastic without consulting the owner of the property or his legal guardian, much less that they would be assisted and perhaps encouraged by my own mother. I am horrified that the bitterness and contention that I so detest have flourished within the four walls of my own home.”
With the demise of the Wicked Witch of the East, and the reported impending doom of the Wicked Witch’s sister ruling the West, perhaps our Good Fairy will have time to work her magic at home once again.
Photo by Witold Barski

Photo by Witold Barski

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First posted on December 19, 2006. From Serendipitous Tabloid Fairytale Headlines at WritingFix.

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